My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I use my feet as sexual weapons
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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