Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
