Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
