You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
