Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I want a musical about memes.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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