Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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