shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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