Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
