On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
