i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
