I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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