I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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