Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
