It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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