I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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