It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize