those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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