Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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