living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
