is your mom at the bar?
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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