I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Mom said you looked used
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize