It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
