I think my fart just growled at me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
