Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
