Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
