So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize