It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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