I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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