So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
