Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
