We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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