Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
