you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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