i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize