He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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