Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
