i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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