last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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