So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
