I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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