Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize