I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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