I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
