If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
