Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
