Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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