the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
