Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
