The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
