I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
should my penis look like a turkey
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
