so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
