Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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