If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
