Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize